Monthly Archives: May 2017

Sex Addiction – Not a “One Size Fits All” Disease

May 31, 2017 by Liz Lacy, LCSW, ACST

“I desperately wanted to have sex with him or for him to want me, but afterwards, I felt like a discarded crack vile. Empty, used, worthless.”…anonymous

Women always have been overlooked or underrepresented in studies of alcohol, drug, gambling or sex addiction. It has been 70+ years since the founding of AA and 60 or so years since the American Medical Association recognized alcoholism as a disease. Yet women in treatment remain unfairly, intensely stigmatized, especially in areas of problematic, compulsive sexual behaviors. We are supposed to be somehow more pure, nurturing mothers and, when sexual, only with those with whom we love, leading to more intense self-hatred and shame.

The Male Sex Addict – Detached Sexual Behaviors

In his book Don’t Call It Love, Dr. Patrick Carnes discovered that, in general, male sex addicts tend to objectify their partners. They usually prefer sexual behavior involving relatively little emotional involvement, although some have serial affairs. This leads male sex addicts to engage primarily in such activities as voyeuristic sex, buying escorts, multiple affairs, pornography, compulsive masturbation, anonymous sex, and engaging in exploitative sex. This may be seen as a logical extension of the way that men in our culture are raised to view women and sex.

The Female Sex Addict – Self-Validating Sexual Behaviors

Women sex addicts, responding to the objectification of women in our culture, tend to use sex
Sex Addiction Counseling Sessionfor power, control, and self-validation, despite negative consequences. They score high on measures of fantasy sex, seductive role sex, trading sex, and pain exchange.

Women who engage in problematic, compulsive sexual behaviors have often suffered abuse, serious emotional neglect, family instability or other developmental difficulties they are trying to “fix” with their behaviors. Self-soothing, thrill seeking or general detachment are sometimes the goals; other times, using the behaviors to form an emotional bond and to hold onto relationships. Painfully, the behaviors lead to just the opposite.

Common Signs of Female Sex Addiction and Sexually Compulsive Behaviors

While the etiology and manifestations of sex addiction may be different for men and women, the end result is the same – risk taking and out-of-control behavior that ultimately leads to serious, life crisis.

The problematic and/or compulsive sexual behaviors exhibited by female sex addicts include:

  • Obsessively searching for “the one”
  • Attracting abusive or otherwise emotionally unavailable partners
  • Mistaking sex and romance for intimate love
  • Using sex and/or love to mask loneliness or unhappiness
  • Changing one’s appearance through excessive dieting/exercise or surgery
  • Using seduction or other manipulations to attract or hold onto a partner
  • Multiple extramarital affairs
  • Compulsive masturbation with or without pornography
  • Making sexual advances toward individuals in subordinate power positions
  • Dressing seductively to attract attention, take risks or feel empowered
  • Having sex in high-risk locations or situations
  • Inappropriate sexual and relationship boundaries (e.g., engaging in a relationship with married men or bosses)
  • Trading sex for drugs, help, affection, money, status or power
  • Having anonymous sex or repeatedly “falling in love” with strangers
  • Trauma re-enactment sexual actions

New York Pathways Specializes in the Treatment of Sex Addiction

At New York Pathways, we tailor treatment to the needs of women and adolescent girls recovering from compulsive, problematic sexual behaviors. Confidential, compassionate and healing recovery is possible. Please call us today to start your road to sexual addiction recovery.

Liz Lacy is a Clinical Supervisor at New York Pathways in New York City. She provides therapy to individuals, groups and couples who are experiencing difficulties relating to problematic sexual behaviors and intimacy disorders. She is also considered an expert in the treatment of complicated trauma and anxiety disorders.

Compulsive Sexual Behavior and Sex Addiction – Listen to Your Instincts

May 26, 2017 by

I find when working with clients, almost all of them can pinpoint an instance when they just “knew” that their compulsive sexual behavior had become a serious problem. Whether it was paid sex, an affair, a one night stand, or compulsive masturbation, their inner, healthy voice was literally screaming things like, “This is no longer okay for me,” “I don’t what to act this way any longer,” “I think I need to stop this,” or “The last time this happened, I got in trouble.”

Despite the inner voice pep talk, their willingness or ability to stop the behavior fell far short of the need and desire to feel the dopamine rush of their addiction.

Rationalizing and Denying Sex Addiction

The problems erupt when the healthy voice, or what I like to call healthy shame, is overridden. When this happens, we don’t trust the healthy voice or flat out can’t hear it. The healthy voice is Rationalizing and denying sexual addiction as a result of shame ad guilt is common.drowned out by rationalization and denial – the litany of continuous lies that sex addicts tell themselves: “I won’t get caught again,” “I will do it differently this time,” or “It’s not really that bad,” etc.

There is psychic pain and neurosis, known as “cognitive dissonance” that occurs when we don’t listen to our inner voice of reason. It’s the inner clash of the many conflicting ideas swirling around in our head making it impossible to know which one to believe. In this state we feel depressed, anxious, and numb without knowing the cause. As a result, the bad behavior starts again, intensifying each time, and the cycle repeats itself. The line is crossed again and again until, suddenly, an important event is missed, a loved one finds out, or a job is lost. These bigger consequences bring on the “awakening”. A moment of crisis and clarity has arrived.

The Path to Awareness, Acceptance and Recovery from Sexual Addiction

The moment of crisis is actually a lifesaving moment. Usually when we’re in crisis, we’re motivated to act. We start to listen to that voice of reason we’ve been repressing or ignoring. At some point, the voice may say, “Well maybe it is time to get help,” “Maybe that therapist was right after all,” and “I have a problem with my sex and love life, and it is destroying my life.”

One of the benefits of sexual addiction recovery is that we no longer have to spend our valuable psychic energy denying the truth about our lives and situations. We can confront the demons and learn to understand the root causes of our obsession and compulsive sexual behavior. We can learn to trust again, to let go of destructive beliefs, to hope and to heal. The pain can be lifted.

Your Instincts about Sex Addiction Are On Target – Listen to Them

If you’re in crisis, and that inner voice is telling you that you have an issue with sex addiction, listen to it! Level with a trusted friend, go to an addiction recovery meeting, or call a certified sex addiction therapist for help. You can stop the pain and reclaim a healthy lifestyle.

I encourage you to keep taking the “next right action” towards a healthy lifestyle. I know I wasted much valuable time not taking action for myself when I knew what I needed to do!

Get on the path to recovery and stop the pain. Call New York Pathways today at 212-244-4447.

Recovery from Sex Addiction – The Next Right Action

May 26, 2017 by Tim Lee

I always wanted to visit Lake Champlain. The story of the great Fort Ticonderoga, situated on a hill overlooking the lake, fascinated me after reading the book 1776 by David McCullough. A few years ago, my father and I traveled from Montréal to New York City via Amtrak. The train skirted all 128 Sexual Addiction Recovery - The Next Right Actionmiles of the beautiful lake. It was an amazing journey.

As a 12th wedding anniversary gift, my wife and I finally traveled to Vermont for our own Lake Champlain adventure. We got to the lake in the afternoon, put our boat in the water, and off we went.  We were on the southern half of the lake – new territory for me. I was nervous about being in a new place and found myself relying very heavily on the channel markers. We travelled about 30 miles, from channel marker to channel marker!  As we were moving along I kept thinking that this was a great analogy for early sex addiction recovery.

There’s No Giant Leap Forward to Sex Addiction Recovery

For most people who are in early recovery, life feels like it’s in complete shambles. Secrets that have been hidden for many years are finally out in the open, yet dealing with them feels like an impossible task. There are many wounded family members on the other side of all the secrets and lies.  Overwhelming feelings of shame, despair, guilt, and hopelessness take over. Complete paralysis sets in and taking action of any kind is impossible.

There’s a phrase in recovery that comes to mind – “Take the Next Right Action.”  It’s very common for us to want to try to figure everything out in one sitting and quickly “fix” the damage that has occurred over years and years.  This doesn’t happen with sexual addiction recovery.

I sometimes compare early recovery to a complete train wreck. There’s so much damage that it’s impossible to know where to begin, let alone rectify everything quickly.  Just as I was travelling down the southern channel for the first time, the sex addict in early recovery is in unfamiliar waters. The only thing to do is simply find the next channel marker – the next right action.

Small Steps Set the Course for Sex Addiction Therapy and Recovery

In the case of a sex addict, the next right action can be calling a friend in recovery, attending a support group, showing up for a couples session, completing a therapy homework assignment, showing up for individual therapy session, or engaging in new behaviors in your marriage.  All are small steps that help reduce the fear of the unknown and put us on course towards successful treatment and recovery.  After days, weeks and months of simply taking the next right action, life starts to change. After telling our story over and over again to our peers in recovery, we begin to accept ourselves more. After we’ve gone through treatment with our partner, our relationships experience new hope for healing.  After completing the many homework assignments and therapy sessions, we realize we’ve developed a new self-esteem we never knew existed.

New York Pathways is Your Safe Haven through Sexual Addiction Recovery

If you are new to sex addiction treatment and recovery and not sure what to do, I encourage you to start with small steps; find the next right action – just one right action that will support your recovery – and take that action. Then take another next right action; and another. Simply moving from one action to another, like moving from one channel marker to another, helps you stay the course. The journey may be slow, perilous at times, but the final destination – recovery and sexual sobriety – is worth it.

Take the journey to sexual addiction recovery and sobriety with New York Pathways. Your next right action is a call to 212-244-4447.